The Day In The Life Of An Obsessive Depressive
9.00am, time to wake up. I turn over, have a drink of the juice I got for the night. I pull my lazy self up and then, "are you still thinking about it" comes to my mind. Well this is going to be a brilliant day, not. I walk into the living-room, cup of tea sat there from the hubby, I make chit chat but all the while my head is telling me "something bad is going to happen unless you..." over and over again. By 9.30 I get myself dressed. Being at home only means one thing, something comfy. I open the wardrobe and scan my clothes, ah a t-shirt, perfect. My hand moves towards the hanger holding it and "if you wear that something bad will happen". Just like that the anxiety starts to rise, my heart starts thudding against my ribs, my hands start to feel clammy and then my stomach drops and starts to ache. My hand moves away from the said hanger and I grab a jumper.
Dressed and ready to 'try' and face the day I head over to my sock draw. I had a fight with it as it still has no handles and I get my finger caught every darn time. I open the draw to a whole selection of socks. My eyes scan around "if you wear Harry Potter socks everything will be okay" I find one, it's the Gryffindor Crest, then a feeling of panic sets in, where the fuck is the other one? Pulling socks out one by one, just looking for another Harry Potter sock. I remember yesterday putting a huge wash on and there were a ton of socks in there. I look on the drying rack, nope, they are in the wash... I pick up a pink Simpsons sock with Mr Burns on, holding a teddy. "Wear the Harry Potter sock on the right foot, then everything will be okay" Right has always felt just 'right' to me so on the socks go. The anxiety lowers, knowing that I have a Harry Potter sock on my right foot, magic! Before I sit down and get on with my work I pop to the kitchen to get myself a drink. I grab a glass on off the shelf and turn on the tap, I start filling the glass, "rinse it" I do and again, start filling my glass "rinse it again and tip it all out and then do that again" echoes my head. I do it again and again till it feels right, by the time I'm done I've forgot the days plan...
The morning goes on and it's time to go down the shops to get something for lunch. I get my coat, keys and phone. I check they are in my pockets and then I go around the flat making sure that everything is fully off. I count out as I go to each wall socket, 1 2 3 4 5, off. I check the hob, I run my finger down the sides, off. I check that the windows are shut, I push against them "1234" and again just to be sure. Me and my husband exit the flat, I lock the door behind me. I push against it "1234 1234" and exit down the stairs. I instantly get started on my protection prayer and make my way down the stairs. I get to the street and then it starts; "are you sure you shut the windows? I think the gas is on, what if you haven't locked the door" the panic fills again and I start to seek reassurance, asking "did I really shut the door" even though I know I pushed on it, put the key in and dead locked it!
Once in the shop I start having urges to touch things, "just touch that once and you will have a good day" so I touch cheese, milk, packets of pasta. I then get urges to show things off "if you show off this then your family will be okay" so I show off mugs and shout out "hey look at this!!". On the way back from the shop I have to tap things on the floor, just a quick tap and it keeps the anxiety down. I eat my lunch and I do my work. I work over my intrusive thoughts, some times I can keep going and other times I feel like I'm breaking. These thoughts can be over anything and I mean anything.
The evening comes. I have my dinner and I start feeling full "eat those last bits, everything will then be okay". I eat everything and get snuggled on the sofa for a box set. I didn't hear what Tim said (my husband) "Better find out what he said" up comes the anxiety and I keep asking what he said, at this point hes forgotten, which then sends my anxiety sky high. I keep trying to concentrate on the TV but the thoughts are going round and I keep having arguments with them. "do this, say that, think of this, you're a bad person" . I end up getting myself into a state and retreat to bed. I take my antidepressant and off to sleep I go.
Each day can be like this, some are worse and others are better. Living with OCD can feel lonely but at times you can feel smothered. Intrusive thoughts can make you believe anything. I hope you enjoyed reading a small snippet of the diary of an obsessive depressive! Stay tuned for more!
Do you have OCD or do you know someone who does? Let me know your thoughts below!