When You're Scared Of Being Scared
For me suffering with OCD and Anxiety I'm scared, a lot. I get those awful feelings a few times a day and sometimes they are with me for hours. Anxiety is a bitch putting it bluntly. Anxiety and OCD have both turned me into someone I don't want to be and they have added a whole new aspect to my life. Being scared of being scared.
I'm scared of being scared
You read that right, I'm scared of being scared. This is quite a new thing for me and I don't like it. I wake up every morning and I'm scared of all the emotions of Anxiety, Depression and OCD. I spend most of my morning worrying in case I start worrying. The unhelpful what if thoughts come to my head and I'm in a panic. I know what OCD can do once it really starts and the same goes for anxiety so now I'm worrying, obsessing and non stop thinking about them starting. Throughout the day I have my OCD thoughts and I have my normal anxiety's about things but when I'm away from it I'm worried because I might..worry.
It's a strange state to get yourself in. Worrying about something that might not happen or even worse, happens everyday. With any mental health condition there are things that are present and with OCD and Anxiety you have those feelings that are the concept of the disorder or the symptoms you are going to feel. I'm scared of what my OCD says sometimes but now the thought of feeling that way sends me into a state of panic.
Throughout the day when I'm getting on with my work and I'm feeling okay-ish that is when I get scared. It hits me like a bus, oh my god what if I get scared. My heart starts to race, my tummy starts cramping, you know the one where you think your going to be sick. I start feeling dizzy and my hands are wet because I'm getting clammy. Oh crap, I'm scared. It consumes me like a wave and I'm in the state I fear the most because I fear it. Even writing these words I can see it's strange but it's real, so real. So those times when I'm feeling okay-ish are around only a small portion of the day and the rest is OCD, Anxiety and not to mention CPTSD. Whew!
Bed time for me is always a touchy subject. One because I might have a nightmare and two, you guessed it! I might wake up scared. I'm not even lying when I say it's pissing me off. On top of the nightmares and my OCD I have a new added problem. It makes going to bed an anxiety ridden burden. I'll be lying in bed worrying about worrying tomorrow. Seriously. There are many normal problems I should be lying in bed worrying about like bills and money but I'm not and that isn't good.
I have ways of doing things to prevent myself feeling scared. The first is I take a beta-blocker just in case I feel scared and it helps me a lot. I plan things mentally down to the tiny details. I know what I'm going to be doing in that day and I even plan when I will clean, have a bath and watch TV. It keeps my mind busy and it's a distraction from the fear. Like I wrote in my last post, I have a fear of sick so I plan my meals and what I eat out in advance just in case I feel sick and so I don't worry and set myself off into this spiral of crap.
I can 100% see my OCD within this fear as I end up arguing with myself and all the above are compulsions to prevent something happening. This fear of being scared also falls under the what if I have that (OCD) thought again. My brain doesn't stop. To be fair on myself I think I handle it well, not all the time but most of it. When I have these thoughts it's a panic attack, not a full blown one but it is one. I know for myself that I haven't always been like this or not to this extent so I will over come it, no matter what it tells me. It's a strange thing, being scared of being scared but I have to accept its now a small part of me, for this moment in time. No I don't like it and yes it's driving me up the wall but it's here and I'm fighting it the best I can. Sometimes it wins and sometimes I win.