The Day In The Life Of An Obsessive Depressive 2

A day with ocd

a day living with OCD

Dear Diary...

The morning comes and the thoughts are back at it again. "What If you're scared today".  This instantly triggers off what I have been trying to keep at bay. I sip coffee while touching the cup in a way to deal with the flood of thoughts that are building up at the back of my mind. OCD is awake now, oh shit. I carry on with the morning, taking it slow getting myself ready. The Harry Potter sock is on the right foot and my clothes have been picked by OCD.

My day consists of writing blog posts so I'm sat with a tea and I check twitter. "Like that post or something bad will happen" pops into my head so I like it. This goes on for a while and before you know it I'm liking everything. It's not finished with me and this time he (Mr OCD)  is making me feel guilty about my past. He makes me go over and over everything and picks up on little things and turns them into the biggest problem known to man. "Confess this" "Think about this" race in my mind and that blog post I was writing goes out the window. And it's not even 11am.

As the morning goes on, into the afternoon I can't get anything done. I go to the loo and as I'm washing my hands "Wash it this way" enters my head so I do and then "If you do it like this nothing bad will happen" follows. I spent a while at the skink washing my hands over in a way that isn't how I would do it. I take myself off to the shop to practice being alone. After making sure the door is shut and shut again. As I walk down the road the thoughts are back, "Don't look at that person or something will happen" and the dreaded "What if when you get home your abandoned". I quickly send a text and anxiously await a reply. Once I get one that isn't enough and the thoughts are back "it's a lie".  I have a fear of being alone and my OCD has caught onto it.. brilliant. I pick the food I want as quick as I can and along the way I tap objects and pick them up and read the label over and over till it feels right.  I get home and I haven't been abandoned but the thoughts are still there but moved onto other things.. yay. 

I get bits of work done here and there but it's been a struggle to get there. I get exciting ideas in my head for them to only be ruined by intrusive thoughts. It's depressing. I try my best to get something done and then I make dinner. Chicken it is and that means one thing.. Tim has to cut it. Not only do I worry that it's going to contaminate me and I'll die I'm also terrified i'll get it under my nails and in turn make myself sick. Tim cuts it and I spray the chopping board and Tim with antibacterial spray. I didn't touch the chicken but "You have chicken on your hands" enters my head, I know this isn't true but I can't risk it. I was my hands in the kitchen sink but that isn't good enough, I can't dry my hand on the tea-towel so I run to the bathroom. Wash, wash, wash, until it feels right. I eat my dinner and I get ready to watch tv on the sofa. Again the thoughts are racing and I find myself in a massive argument with the thoughts. I tell them this is bull and not real but it always gets me with the same thing, the one thing that makes me feel like my body is going to go into shut down.. "What If".

I take my antidepressant and go to bed. Ready for another day of OCD.

I know this isn’t true but I can’t risk it
— stacey