What I wish people knew about my mental health
When I look at my mental health as a whole I know there is so much people don’t know. How could they? Unless I had around 18 years to explain every detail or there was a way they could live my life! Growing up the way I did with fear and mind games I do feel odd. What I mean by odd is I don’t feel like a normal person and I feel like I’m this thing that is very different to others.
my Mental Health - the facts
1. I really don’t want this but I can’t help it.
I guess this is a standard answer when it comes to mental health but it’s so true. I don’t want to be ill at all. The truth is I despise my illnesses with every part of me and if I could lose them I would. They have ruined so much of my life and they still do now. I’m 24 years old and there are so many things I want to do but can’t - it’s not a choice, I can’t do them! I know you think I can and yes I do agree but the deep underlying problem isn’t solved and I'm terrified. Just know that I'm trying my best!
2. I have good days and bad days - it doesn’t change anything.
My mental health can be really unpredictable. One day I will be having a brilliant day and I’ll be getting on with things, positive, smiling and ready to face the world. The next I might not want to get out of bed and I could be in a mess with intrusive thoughts. I might be heading towards a crisis or I might need more tablets that day. In reality this is normal for me at this moment. I’m up and down but it doesn’t mean I’m getting better or worse. Somedays are better and others are worse. I just ride out the highs and the lows and keep going, the best I can.
3. I’m not bad.
This might sound strange but hear me out. My mental health has taken me to hell and back and I have been a twat in the past but I’m not bad, I’m unwell. I’m moody at times and I can snap. I might argue and other times be very childish but really this isn’t me, it’s a part of my illness and who I “learnt” to be. Me as a person is kind, caring and silly. My mental health can mask who I am as a person but know that it’s my illness, not me. Keep believing in me!
4. I’m fighting more than you could know.
I fight everyday. I fight to not be who I learnt to be. I battle my OCD and I push the past back to the past. Most of the time I’m fighting in my head, because that is where I am ill. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean I’m not doing it. Everyday I wake up ready for my next mission and I give it everything I have to be alive, well and happy.
5. I’m not like everyone - Mental health affects people differently
No two people with Depression are the same like no two people that had a tough childhood are the same. Some people get better faster and sometimes people are a lot worse. No two humans are the same so why compare their mental health? My journey might be going down one road but that doesn’t mean I’m worse or not getting better because you can’t compare it! This is my journey and that is all that should matter.
6. It’s not all bad
Yes I might have bad days but it’s not all bad. I’m a very content happy person who finds happiness in the smallest things. I might be very ill but I can see the good and I know I’m lucky. I laugh and smile and I am happy, honestly no matter what I say in the worst of my illness! I’m alive and grateful. I have an amazing family and I know I'm lucky. Mental health isn't all doom and gloom, even when I'm at my worst I'm happy!