When your illness makes you think you don't need your medication


Many people everyday take medication for their mental health. Sometimes this can be antidepressants, mood stabilisers and beta blockers. For each person the effect differs and some find they help and others don't. But what happens when your mental illness makes you think you don't need your medication? 


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I fully started antidepressants when I was 19 years old. I was just starting Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for my OCD and it was recommended that I started something to help me keep my moods up and so I could get the most out of therapy.  I was okay with starting them but I didn't think they would help as I had tried some the year before and they had done nothing. I ended up staying on those tablets for just over four years and I was doing well. I felt good and in control to my best abilities and I was just working hard on getting myself through more therapy. There wasn't any huge dramatic changes and there was no real trigger as such, but one day I just woke up and felt different and  like I didn't need my medication.  The only way I can describe it is I felt super powerful, like a girl boss who had her shit together.

I looked at my medication like it was something that was holding me back and in a way making me worse and I became obsessed with the side effects and could find things within them that I was having. I sat on the thought of giving up my pills for a week and then I took big leap and came off them. I had no medical help, which you should really have. I just cut my pills in half and carried on just like normal. Once I had reached two weeks I cut them in half again and this is something I would NOT recommend. I was having 7.5mg and this isn't a "real" dose so I was having some really bad mood swings, hot flushes and I was having withdrawal symptoms, I guess how someone feels coming off drugs - it was a nightmare.  I then one night stopped all together and that was that. I was told by people around me this wasn't a good idea and that I did need my pills but I was in that mode of "I got this" and didn't listen to anyone. I carried on for months and months owning my mental health myself until one day I crashed, had a breakdown and was back on them faster than anything. 

My trauma is caused by my childhood, up to the age of 19 and it's left me with a broken personality, I say broken because it feels like that to myself. I have parts that a full of anxiety and fear but I also have parts within me that feel they are god and know anything and everything and are always right. These right parts took over and made me think my medication was holding me back and causing me more distress when really they were helping me more than anything. My mental health caused me to feel like they wasn't and that lead to the breakdown which I know wouldn't have happened if I had stayed on my pills! It's a strange feeling really, knowing your mental health caused you to give up something that helped - a true irony.  

Going back on the pills has helped a lot but the effects are no where near as strong so I now have to take another. Looking back now at this time I have come out it with knowledge that when it comes to my mental health I need a plan in place. I have told my partner that if I start feeling that my medication or treatment is holding me back he needs to step in and ground me. I have no plans to come off anything at the moment but with the way my personality is anything is possible! 

From my experience coming off tablets with no medical help, I would highly recommend you see your GP if you wish to stop. Not only can the advise if you should be coming off at the moment but they will also assist with how to come off e.g, the dose and for how long.  Doing it alone was a really hard process and it made me feel very ill and confused and lead to a breakdown. If you feel it's time for you then do it with professional help, trust me!