Who I would be if it wasn't for my disorders
Twenty years is a long time. Almost my whole life - apart from my first five years on this earth and when you think about it, those first five years your not out there living are you! OCD has had hold of my hand since one cold morning at school and it’s still here today, gripping harder than ever. PTSD soon joined as did Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Anxiety and Depression. Again all holding on as tight as they can. In so many ways I can see how they try to help me, protect me and make me look at things others might not. I can also see how they have shaped me into being someone who is most of the time scared - about everything. I’m hypersensitive and very ill. Trauma has shaped me into this person. I know, if it never happened I wouldn’t be it. I know this because deep down that person is there, the one who wasn’t victim or gained OCD as their only friend. She wasn’t worried about silly little things because she knew it was all crap. The one who knew who she wanted to be and what she liked and disliked. She is there but buried, very buried. I’m 25 and a few weeks old and I’m a mess. I don’t mean this in a god awful way, that I’m off the rails and loosing my shit. I mean it in a way because who I am, who I should have been and who I want to be are mixed up. I’m a cake mix with three different boxed ingredients added. Or shall we just add here:
It’s true, I’m confused. Three parts, some trapped inner children and boom, I’m lost. Like I said, I know who I want to be but being that person with all these disorders is hectic. I can “pretend” to be confident but the thoughts behind that don’t allow me to have fun, if you know what I mean. My disorders make even the smallest of things something hard to handle and being the person who I want is sometimes near impossible. I look at other people around me getting on with life, making shit happen and just living the life they want to live. All I see is normal people and then there’s me, like “Hi, I can’t even have a drink without worrying, hows life”. I know there is no such thing as a normal person and I do get people have issues but if you have never lived with trauma or OCD you wouldn’t understand how my mind words or how I think. That is what I mean by normal - not being disordered. I know it can’t be helped that I have my issues, it was all out of my hands. A child’s brain is so delicate and a very absorbent sponge, so I get why I’m ill - I just want to be more than it.
Of course I can take so much good out of having the life and now the issues I have, it’s taken time for them to come out and I’m working hard each day to become better than ever. I’m more understanding than anyone about mental health. I have this loving side like no tomorrow and I always have peoples best interests at heart. I guess some might say, don’t think about not having the issues you have as your looking at something you might never have but I see it differently. I need to look to have something to fight for, to want and get and hold onto close to my heart. I’m not waiting for some miracle to ping them away, it’s all down to me. The only issue is how the heck do I get there?!
I know if I didn’t have body dysmorphic disorder I would be so much more confident going out or being around other girls. There wouldn’t be this wall where I feel like I’m the smallest person in the world compared to them. I feel like a 13 year old around older girls, who is trying to be “cool” with makeup and fashion but doing it all wrong and looking a bit desperate. I bet sometimes I do look a bit crap because I’m not going to lie, I’m shit at doing my brows and getting an even base, hell no but that isn’t the point. I can’t be myself because I feel inferior and think I’m distorted. It also makes me feel like a wannabe and that I need to be like other girls, even if it’s not what I want to be, which is bloody tiring and a waste of time and money. I would just be comfy in my own skin, with issues like anyone else but not this die hard obsession with every little detail of my skin and just feeling like a tit.
My PTSD has left me in a state of panic and worrying all the time about the past and the now. I feel on edge all the time that I’m going to be abandoned and I go back to much to the past. I lose track of time when I get into these states. I feel I can’t move on and be someone who is a little more independent because it makes me think I can’t cope. Having years of emotional abuse has left me emotionally unstable, sods law right, and I know if it wasn’t here I wouldn’t look back - not even once. I have a whole aura of fuck yesterday, let alone three years ago but my PTSD makes me live there and I’m always trying to piece something together and sometimes I do forget I’m not immortal and life is going on and I’m not making the most of now. I wouldn’t be so obsessed with the past or worried that I’m going to be abandoned. I wouldn’t look at every small detail that people give off thinking “Oh shit, this is it” and asking for reassurance that I’m not a bad person or going to be left.
OCD is my oldest “friend”. This disorder has a strange relationship with me. I bet your thinking right now, er why is your disorder your friend?! The truth is it was my friend and a really good one when he first joined me. He kept me safe and others. As I grew up he changed and turned into something I don’t like. It plays into my other disorders and makes them all a lot more heightened. If I didn’t have OCD I would be so much more relaxed and normal. It makes me obsess about things I don’t want to obsess about and then I have to act on them in the ways it says - even if I don’t want to. I feel out of control of my thoughts, emotions and who I am. My life would just be so much less complicated and I wouldn’t have to avoid triggers which could lead to years of one obsession. I would first of all be bored and secondly I would have my mind back, which is the most important thing for me.
I wouldn’t be someone scared of going out in case I was ill and I would be able to eat what I wanted and how much without getting anxiety. Id be someone who would take a leap and do something so random and adrenaline filled without a single fear that something bad would happen - or if they came in I could tell them where the back door was. I wouldn’t worry about what people thought of me and I would have my own level of confidence and sass in my boots. I would feel safe for the first time in my life and secure and wouldn’t need proof every goddamn hour. My mind would be quiet and calm, a goddess of a temple, the past would be the past, obsessions gone and I would think about normal things like paying a bill and what I’m cooking for dinner. I would be free to think what I want and not feel bad, I would feel things I want and own it and I would do things I wanted with no fear. I wouldn’t worry for a second about what people thought of me and I would be pleased of my own skin.
- - I would just live - -
The truth is I’m so proud of myself and I can’t blame myself for being the way I am, it couldn’t be helped. I was born into a shit situation and I have to live with that. My disorders are apart of me but I know, deep down they are not me. It’s going to take time and a lot of work to be able to heal them and give them the love they need. A long road which I’m already walking down. I don’t hate my life and to be honest I’m not even that angry at the cards I have been dealt. I just want to have peace and my mind back and for the grips on my hand to loosen a little. I want to find the “could have been” me, who I want to be me and the me in the future.